ROTFLMAO

The USA has The World Trade Center. Canada? Well.. we have Tim Hortons!

A certain right wing blogger that I don’t link to for my own quality control purposes was covering the explosion at a Tim Horton’s in Toronto today. What is really funny is to read some of the comments by visitors to her blog.

Here’s a selection, for your own amusement:

“I heard the same report over CTV – very tight-lipped cops, a bomb squad, and an uncomfirmed rumour about bombs strapped to the “victim”.

I wonder what the victim’s name is.”

~ Chris From Victoria

Yes, wondering about the person’s last name is of course, important! If it was “Murphy” or “O’Brien,” .. oh dear, has the IRA really disbanded? An oriental last name? Ahh… must be a descendant of one of those kamikaze airplane pilots. Now, if his last name was O’Brien, but he was from Jamaica, bet it was related to the fact Jamaica just elected their first woman Prime Minister, huh?

“If the guy did have a bomb belt, then it was a failed terrorist attack just like with Joel Henry Hinrichs III at the Oklahoma University stadium in which he got stupid, messed with his explosives and blew himself apart while waiting to enter and make his move.”

~ Canadian Sentinel

Yes, folks, Canadian Sentinel knows enough about bomb belts as well as each and every person’s motives to in fact determine if there was a “bomb belt,” it was terrorism!! I mean, we all know that no sane human being would attach a bomb belt and explode themselves. We know that from the Press, of course, where we get all our information on bomb belts, who uses them, and where. So, IF there was a bomb belt, we can KNOW it was a terrorist! And of course, we’ll somehow differentiate between some suicidal deranged individual who wanted to take himself out along with a few others, as a terrorist, by virtue of whether or not there was a “bomb belt.” Ah, yes, the Canadian Sentinel is standing up for Canada with logic and knowledge here.

” If, however, the deceased had explosives strapped to him, hoping to blow up innocent people, I hope that the police and the judiciary get to the bottom of who’s responsible TOUTE SUITE.

Toronto’s got to get its act together. Though I no longer live there, I grew up in Toronto, and in the past ten years I’ve seen it sliding badly downhill–bad roads, rude drivers, shootings, panhandlers every third step, a feeling of seediness: Yonge Street is a disgrace. I know a lot of people who are afraid to go to Toronto, which was never the case until recently.

David Miller and his overpaid minions had better snap to attention to figure out how to fix things–which means setting up programs other than “youth employment centres.” I mean law enforcement programs, where criminals are apprehended, whatever their ethnic background and whatever “the reasons” for their crime. No getting off the hook because you come from a disadvantaged background. (The vast majority of individuals from “disadvantaged backgrounds” live law-abiding lives, so it’s a lame-duck reason to excuse people who break the law.)

I’d suggest that David Miller talk to Rudy Guillani, who managed to clean up NYC, to the extent that it went from being one of the most crime-riddled cities in North America to being one of the safest. He used tough medicine–and Miller needs to do the same.”

~ New Kid On The Block

Now, “New Kid On The Block” really knows stuff, huh? I mean.. IF the person had a bomb belt, that means… well.. we gotta find out who was responsible, real fast!!!

Uhhh… yeah..

I wonder if “New Kid On The Block” thinks it is as important to find out the identity of the person “responsible” if he in fact, didn’t have a “bomb belt.”

And of course, this all means that David Miller has to do something. David Miller is apparently, responsible for law enforcement in Ontario. “New Kid On The Block” must know something the rest of us don’t know.

” The jackals are indeed in charge. The head jackal being David Miller, a socialist born in England.”

~ Irwin Daisey

Yes, Irwin. Some suicidal creature that decides to blow himself up in the bathroom of a Tim Horton’s is all the fault of David Miller, a Socialist. What wonderful humour, Irwin. Will you go on stage for us? Of course, 15 years ago, when crack sluts were roaming the streets of Toronto, and gun shots were going off in housing projects nightly, that was the fault of… David Miller too!

“That Timmie’s is directly besides the subway entrance to Yonge/Bloor station, the busiest subway station in Toronto.

Why Sunday though? Trial run?”

~ BC Monkey

Yes, that must be it!! A trial run! Let’s see how many folks can get away with blowing themselves up in a Tim Horton’s bathroom, located beside subway stations, huh?

My god, BC Monkey has evolved into.. well.. let’s not say rational thought.. but.. at least seems to be able to ask weird questions.

“I don’t think there is any doubt about what has happened, especially in light of another suspicious package being found.”

~ A Steve

Oh, get this man on the case! He has NO DOUBT as to what happened. Another “suspicious package” somewhere just bloody well PROVES it, you know? Attack Tim Horton’s in Canada, and by god, that’s a statement to bring fear into the hearts of all good Canadians! There is NO DOUBT that some guy blew himself up, and another “suspicious package” found in another Tim Horton’s proves that A Steve KNOWS what happened.

Umm.. what happened, A Steve??

“BC Monkey has a pretty valid theory there…..

But we all have to wait….”

~ Stephen

Oh my God, yes! That evolving Monkey has a valid theory. What was the theory? Steve agrees that it might have been a trial run? A trial run for what, exactly? I think Stephen and BC Monkey are close. Close as in.. maybe related?

” Yonge & Bloor is the busiest subway intersection in the city. Perhaps he was trying to arm the device before boarding a train… I mean, you wouldn’t want the thing hot in your home, or while you were driving to your target.

Or perhaps a walk-on at some swanky restaurant in Yorkville.”

~neo

Yes neo, you could be right! I take it from you nickname, you probably are “right.” But you’re probably incorrect as well. I mean, that would be just the perfect spot to “arm” a device, in the Tim Horton’s bathroom, right? That’s how Palestinians do it, huh? They go into bathrooms before arming their devices… umm.. don’t they do it that way? Someone once told me they did!

Now, MaryT has the definitive answer to what happened:

” Having just arrested suspected terrorists in TO, and now this, will the leftists admit that like Houston, we have a problem. Time for the mayor and friends to wake up. Not everybody loves us. I also would believe the target was the subway, and poor guy had to relieve himself. Probably set off the bomb or whatever by mistake. What is his name and nationality and religion. Watch out transit riders or Tim customers.”

~ maryT

There just has to be a connection, you know? The “poor guy” that was going to blow up people had to relieve himself first. Let’s not dare to think about the results if he hadn’t relieved himself before blowing himself up in the subway. I mean.. what a mess it would have been if his bowels or kidneys hadn’t been emptied first! That bad boy .. the poor guy.. was actually thinking about the victims and the mess he’d leave behind!! God, that terrorist MUST have been a misinformed socialist, who really didn’t want his shit to get in the way of any statement he was going to make. Poor guy.

“How common are “flash fires” in washrooms? Is it not possible for a poorly made bomb (or incendiary device) to have the effect of causing a “flash fire”? (rhetorical question)

I’m just glad noone else was hurt.”

~ CanForce 101

Uhhh.. now that is a god damn good question! How common exactly is this?? Whoa, man… that open up a ton of things for us to think about! You know, it really isn’t all that common for someone to blow themselves up in a Tim Horton’s bathroom, is it? Oh, that was my rhetorical question – just copying “CanForce 101″ here. But seriously.. flash fires, human remains with burn marks, etc etc… we really gotta realize and ask ourselves how “common” such a thing is!

Oh “spike” writes this:

“sounds like the london bombs the second time around.”

~ spike

Uhhh.. which “london bombs,” spike? They got Tim Horton’s bathrooms in London??? Sheesh, maybe I should have bought some of that Tim Horton stock last week.

Ohhh.. and then Stephen comments again!! Here’s what he writes:

“Frustratingly noone is saying anything.

CTV did just report the police chief as saying

“It was a sudden flash fire that could have been much worse than it was”

Now what in the world could that mean…..

If this were New York or London there would have been a press conference by now, if not two of them with some indication of when the next press conference would be.

Absolutely terrible communication from everyone, all it leads to is this kind of speculation. Who knows this could be as simple as someone having a problem while they were freebasing, a la Richard Pryor.”

~ Stephen

Poor frustrated Stephen!! Stephen wants more information, right this very minute, so he can form strong beliefs about… well.. something or other. At least he recognizes “speculation” when he sees it. Stephen, go have a glass of wine and hug a loved on, ok? You’ll be fine, I promise.

Now one guy adds some rational comment:

” I doubt this is a suicide bomber. They don’t isolate themselves before detonation. They look for crowds. So wrong place, wrong day of the week for a suicide bomber.
More likely an unstable person who wanted to go out with a message of some kind. Perhaps a disgruntled ex-employee.
The police are right to hold off talking until they know. We certainly don’t need more speculation. That’s the bloggers job!”

~ steve d

But then is answered with this amazing bit of questioning from our smart, intellectual formerly mentioned “Chris From Victoria BC:”

“How do you know all about a suicide bomber, steve d?Have you read a book on the topic or is this “everyone knows” information that uniquely resides in your brain?”

Ah yes, good question Chris!! Always fight off those people who would encourage us not to draw conclusions about anything, and demand to know from them what “they know.” When in fact, the point of the message was, “well, we don’t know anything yet.” God damn, I’m gonna find out who Chris votes for, and vote the same way! He makes sense, dontcha think?

“It in Toronto and you can bet your last buck … the spin is being spun behind closed doors.”

~ Duke

Yes, Duke. They LIE about EVERYTHING here. I bet it wasn’t even a Tim Horton’s. It was a Country Style.

And Duke comments again:

“Maybe it was spontaneous combustion. Muslims do that all the time.”

Really, Duke? You mean.. I shouldn’t associate with any Muslim, cuz, all the time, they just might combust? I know a few Irishmen that did that as well.

“The Tim Hortons is beside Starbucks, which is beside the Metropass/token entrance to the west end of the Yonge Platform. I’d say that’s pretty close.”

~ Wrenkin

Ah, yes, someone pointed out that Tim Horton’s was about a block away from the Subway. So, now that it is beside Starbucks, which is beside the Metropass/token entrance, that makes it “pretty close.” It’s now more obvious that the real target was missed!! That poor guy really had to relieve himself and not shit his pants before he blew himself up you know.

But then…

“If this turns out to be suicide bomber, he could have been screwed up by the time change.”

~ Robin Banks

That’s it folks – it wasn’t that the guy needed to relieve himself at all! We can all now breathe a sigh of relief at the fact we no longer have to think of this person as a “poor guy” who needed to use the toilet. His watch was wrong, is all.

Ok, this enough… my sides are splitting – there is even more funny stuff over there, if you want to go read it and are looking for humour.

But for now, Canada has been hit!!! Tim Horton’s is the perfect place to make the initial “hit,” because there are 40 million Tim Hortons for a population of 35 million.

It just makes sense, you know?

Update: From CTV:

” Several hours after the explosion, Tim Hortons District Manager Amin Islam escorted the employees away.

The employees appeared shaken by their experience, but Islam said they were doing well.

“I’m just making sure they’re going home safely,” he said.”

What was that manager’s name? Amin Islam? No way.. must be a typo! No way a Muslim would do a thing like that, and rush to the scene, and try to make sure all the employees were ok, would he? He must be an Infidel Muslim! Muslims are those guys that spontaneously combust – they don’t rush off to help people! Get this guy out of Canada – he’s probably faking it or something.

19 thoughts on “ROTFLMAO”

  1. ian , i wasn’t criticising kates blog by no means but sometimes people get carried away a bit , eh. after all theres a lot of weird shit happening . a lot of times eye witnesses tell people things to make themselves seem important, especially when theres cameras on them and the adrenaline is flowing . but that being said a lot were believing what many people are expecting to happen , sooner or later. . i hope it doesn’t but if they ever blow up a tim hortons , this means war osama

  2. Oh, I’m not criticizing “Kate’s Blog” either – I find a lot of what she writes about fascinating.. as I said, almost like Art Bell’s stuff on radio at night.

    Hey man.. there’s been “weird shit” happening since the beginning of time, you know? Centuries ago, thunder and lightning storms were “weird shit” and some humans decided it meant there were terrorist gods fighting with each other, that caused the weird shit.

    If “they” ever blow up a Tim Horton’s, I hope it’s war on the “they.” In fact, our goverment, through regulations, already prevent Tim Horton’s people from doing all the can to be the best they can. I say it’s war on Government, don’t you agree?

  3. I love it. What a wonderful debunking, and what a great rendering of that panicked, self-important, breathless tone that overtakes bloggers who play at journalism.

    Most recent reports suggest that this may simply have been a flash fire, possibly triggered by gas.
    But mark my words: that won’t matter to the League of Paranoid Loonies, who will refer to this darkly for months to the dreaded “MSM” coverup, and believe until they die that the intent was blow a Toronto shop into Tim-bits.

  4. This was a beautiful piece of work Ian. It was a hilarious read yet it demonstrates a pathetic paranoia that is just under the surface out there. All that is needed is a half story to send them all over the edge.

  5. Gee, I wondered why there was no tinfoil in the local store when I went shopping this past weekend.

    I’ve got to admit, though: when the 2003 blackout hit, at the back of my mind, I wondered: did a terrorist hit a power plant somewhere? Maybe 9/11 didn’t change things as much as the politicians say they did, but they did put the idea in our minds, and it’s darn hard to get it out. The thing that separates me from these tinfoil hat crowd is that I didn’t blog about my suspicions until I was in full possession of the facts. The fact that my computer had no power certainly saw to that. 🙂

  6. What is really funny is now, “Canadian Sentinel” has pronounced that “they,” referring to the investigators of the Timbit washroom kaboom, are “lying.” He knows, because you see, he checks out some “North Eastern Intelligence” website, operated by a private investigator in the US.

    Apparently, their “investigating” team has already done their own investigation, believe it or not… have come to their own conclusions…

    What is funny (to me) as well, is that what on earth would these folks have done if they were employed by Litton Systems in Etobicoke back in the 80’s? I worked there… and sure, there was some stressful moments.. but sheesh…

    Perhaps they’d also like to join me on a tour of my former country, Northern Ireland as well. It would be hillarous to watch them all have the jitters 24 hours per day.

  7. “God, that terrorist MUST have been a misinformed socialist, who really didn’t want his shit to get in the way of any statement he was going to make.”

    Do you think this guy is related to Layton?

    Too funny!

  8. Related to Layton? LOL.. maybe! Especially if he thought he should relieve himself first, before spreading his guts everywhere, if indeed that is what our ummm… Mr X planned to do 🙂

    Actually, I think you are the most correct.. it’s likely some guy that deserves a “Darwin Award.”

    But you gotta admit, it’s hilarious to watch how some just seem to be almost HOPING it was a terrorist attack.

  9. I’ve got some interesting stories about tinfoil and people who believed some sort of signals were coming from outer space.. true stories.

    Hell, as far as _I_ know, the Tim Horton thing COULD have been a “terrorist attack.” it’s in the back of my mind that there are all sorts of possibilities… but I think it is hillarious to read some comments.. almost as if they are HOPING it was.

  10. DISCLAIMER: For the record, let me be very very clear. “Mr X” was never affiliated in any way, shape or form to the particular Planet X that I find myself inhabiting, nor was he related to me, my family, my Xhusband or Xin-laws. Any attempts by anyone in the blogosphere or the dreaded leftwing MSM to insinuate otherwise would be considered inappropriate speculation, and should be regarded as such.

    As for Mr. X’s claims that his shit didn’t stink (upping the likelihood of his purported familial connections to Mr. Layton significantly), I believe the patron that ran from the bathroom just before the explosion would beg to differ.

    Back on topic, to give the commenters some credit, it was a weird coincidence (caused, we find out later, by panic along the same veins) that a “suspicious package” was found at another Tim Hortons. I was busy running around all day, so after hearing the initial reports, I was out & about until after the “terrorist” idea was pretty much dead in the water, although I must confess I was wondering in the back of my mind “WTF???” while supporting my international capitalist grocery & clothing chains.

    While Tim Hortons doesn’t strike me as a likely target, I doubt many in London thought doubledeckers were, either (even if it did end up being a secondary target due to access issues for the bomber).

    9/11 has definitely jacked up the paranoid factor in this country.

  11. I guess I am not living in the proper state of fear that we westerners are supposed to live in since 9/11/01. When I first heard about this explosion my first thought was not terrorism but accident. After reading through all the comments you have posted here Ian it is clear to me that I need to be more paranoid, more fearful, more willing to believe the worst case scenario right off the bat if I am to have in these conservative eyes the proper mindset for living in this world of today.

    Seriously though anyone that lives with this kind of fear has already given terrorists a victory, yet they cannot see that. Terrorism is not something that just suddenly emerged in the last few years, it has been around for millennia, only the means of attack has changed all that much the underlying reasoning behind it has not. Islam is certainly not the first religion to have it done in its name and I doubt it would be the last either, yet to hear some speak it is Islam which created terrorism and so is why it must be crushed. I refuse to be more afraid of terrorists than I am of idiot drivers on the road with me, especially since there is a greater chance of one of those lunatic drivers killing me than a terrorist attack.

    To live in fear is to waste living in my mind. The one thing that is certain with life is that at some point, you never know when, you will die. That is inevitable no matter who you are. I prefer to enjoy living each day rather than fearing the inevitable end that will occur. The best way to fight terrorism in my view is to not be afraid and accept that there are no guarantees in life. That the world was never a safe place and that there are a multitude of things we rely on in our day-to-day lives which are a greater risk/threat for death than foreign terrorists. I find this fear driven mentality sad and pitiful, especially from those that try to act all gung ho about killing terrorists while being so afraid of them. By doing so they give the terrorists exactly what they are looking for a fearful mentality within the public targeted by terrorists. Pity this is something that escapes the awareness of so many of these fearful people.

    1. Scotian, while you make a good point, everyone’s perspective is different. 9/11 occurred exactly a month before my daughter, then 7, was going to be getting on a plane by herself to fly to Vancouver. Needless to say, I flew with her a few more times, not just because SHE was afraid (I sheltered her from the news as much as I could, but it was discussed in school, etc.), but because I was feeling that if some asshole terrorist was going to take my daughter out in a plane, I was going with her. Since December of that year, she has gamely got on a plane every month, by herself. And every time it takes off, I worry – not focusing on terrorists, more of a general anxiety around some disaster or other striking while I’m not with her. Strangely, I don’t worry about her flight home to me.

      I live about 10 miles, give or take, from “Refinery Row” in Edmonton (about 10 or so miles of oil refineries). Security has been beefed up beyond belief, because of the reality check that came with 9/11. I don’t worry about Refinery Row at all, nor do I go about my day avoiding subways or large gatherings of people.

      Terrorism has been around, as you say, for a very long time, but aside from small, targetted exercises like the FLQ, nothing major had hit North America before. During 9/11 I was friends with a family from London, who had grown up with IRA bombings being a regular occurrence, and it made me realize how lucky we have been.

      As you say, to live in fear is to give the terrorists their “win” but I question whether reviewing a comments section on a post about a particularly strange occurrence is enough information to assume that all commenters are living in fear, or deserving of pity.

  12. Folks who live in fear, are deserving of pity. At the same time, I have no desire to let folks who deserve pity, have any influence, political or otherwise, over how I choose to live my life.

    I have my own fears, but I don’t expect others to live their lives with some expectation they will live them in tune with my own fears. As well, I have often faced my own fears head on… including the fear of death, a number of times.

    Any commentor who only communicates with a one dimensional mind, accuses everyone of “lying,” and who’s comments totally and absolutely only focus on their own suspicion or fears, has insane thoughts.

    The other problem, Candace, is the fact that before 9/11, many Americans and Canadians excused terrorism in other parts of the world, and never bothered to take seriously, the anguish of victims or their families. There are some pubs in Toronto that would take up collections for IRA activities, as well as some very famous and rich families in the US that would provide financial help to terrorist organizations.

    For some of the cynical among us, it’s quite humourous to see the all of a sudden condemnation of terrorism simply because it hit America.

    My friends and acquaintances that have perished as a result of terrorism in Northern Ireland are no less dead then the many who perished at WTC.

    What has numbers got to do with it?

    What has method got to do with it?

    Many in North America that suddenly, after 9/11, who would all of a sudden be afraid of “terrorism,” or suddenly stand against it, are indeed, outright hypocrites.

    Many supported US government sanctioned “terrorism” against other nations, when it suited them to do so.

    Many willingly put a few bucks into hats that were going around St. Patrick’s day parades.

    When Osama Bin Laden’s crew were conducting “terrorism” against the USSR, no one batted an eye. It was all ok, you know? Esepecially because at the time, Osama was on “our” side.

    ALL terrorism comes down to politics or religion, and suffers not the individual, no matter how innocent the individual might be. America has supported terrorists in the past, when it has suited America to do so. And yes, even when innocent individuals have lost their lives.. then it’s just been called “unfortunate.”

    Just as many parents and children grieved for their loved ones on 9/11, don’t ever forget, that many Iraquis, many Irish folk, many Viet Namese, many Columbians, and many many others, have grieved for their children lost… all for some “political” ideal that has nothing to do with freedom of individuals.

  13. What is most missed in the conversation is WHY terrorism exists. As I’ve heard, terrorism is not the tool of the weak, it is the tool of the strong. I have to sadly laugh when I hear people talking about palestinian ‘terrorists’, such as the two boys last month who were at a party stormed by the Israeli forces who were shot when they began throwing rocks. Look at any picture or video of palestinian-israeli relations. One side is fenced inside a tiny prison, and throw rocks at the other side. Sometimes they kill one tenth their murdered with suicide bombs.

    Want to discuss terrorism, just ask a Nicaraguan. The US is the only country in the world that has been found guilty of international terrorism. Yet nobody seems to want to talk about that. Or the hundreds of thousands, even millions who have died in Afghanistan, Iraq, Vietnam, Korea, Guatemala, Panama, Chile, and on and on. What changed on 9/11 was the guns were pointed the other way for the very first time. The colonizer became the victim.

    More canadians have died in Afghanistan at the hands of americans than anyone else, funny how nobody wants to talk about that either-perhaps it was an AMERICAN terrorist trying to destroy our ‘way of life’.

    1. Jebb – it’s not just the US – the Soviets were pretty good at shooting down civilian airliners too – although that Korean flight may have strayed into the wrong area, the Soviets had blood on their hands too.

      As for this article itself, it was hilarious – well done.

  14. The “someone” you refer to had “Mississauga” in their name. He claimed that the Tim Hortons was “not ‘directly beside’” the station. As I pass through there every day, and as I figured he was unaware of the Yonge entrance and was thinking of the one on Bloor, I corrected him–that’s all.

    “It’s now more obvious that the real target was missed!!”

    To who? Me? I never jumped to conclusions. There was simply no evidence for it, and much circumstantial evidence against. On the other hand, I didn’t think that inaccurate information should be counted with the latter. Had you not jumped to conclusions yourself this would have been clear. You’ll note that was my only comment in the thread.

    Incidentally, I don’t remember her blog always being this bad. It was quite interesting during the election, although that might have been the moderating influence of many left wing commentors.

    1. I agree that there were many people in that thread who were trying to hammer the facts, as they came in, into their preconceived explanation of a suicide attack conducted by a Muslim. I was not one of them, and I resent being lumped in with those idiots. I just wanted to correct one person’s geography. I may be jumping to conclusions about your interpretation of my comment, but the fact that you quoted me so dismissively suggests you thought I was straining to keep the theory going. “It’s now more obvious…” etc

      Of course, given the running commentary style it might be fairer to say that you were mocking collectively, “obvious” to them/us, but then I get tarred with that brush too.

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