I’ve Got It! Robots Don’t Need Health Care!!

As reported in the Toronto Star:

“A U.S. company that charges up to $200 for medical tests covered by medicare should understand “they’re not welcome here,” Ontario Health Minister George Smitherman said today.”

Well, seeing as you’re responsible for a budget of hundreds of millions, I assume you took some economics classes. So you must be right.

“I’ll meet them at the border or confront them where they are,” Smitherman vowed as he pledged to stop Life Line Screening of Cleveland, Ohio, from running one-day diagnostic clinics in the Hamilton-Niagara area.”

Boy, it’s amazing that Smitty will personally go to the border to meet a van with medical equipment that could save lives. And threaten to confront them in Ohio even.

“We send that message to that provider, and any other.”

Ah, of course. You want to be King for four more years. Wouldn’t want a little competition to get in your way, right?

“Smitherman said sections of the province’s Commitment to the Future of Medicare Act, which were to be passed into law in the coming weeks, would be rushed to the cabinet table to deal with companies like Life Line.”

Isn’t it utterly amazing how fast a Government can work when it wants to? What amazing efficiency here. Imagine, a Minister rushing to the cabinet table! Don’t give yourself a heart attack now, in your swiftness, ya hear?

Where do you get off on acting so quickly today, to stop people from saving their own lives? Hey.. can we talk about all the foot dragging you guys do?


“I’m going into cabinet in a couple of minutes to get those sections proclaimed now.”

Of course. You’re the King of Ontarian’s Health. And such a good daddy/mommy, too. Wouldn’t want us shelling out a couple hundred dollars for some tests that will save our lives, when you could and your staff could be partying at Christmas time with that $200.00.

“Life Line uses vans to bring in portable Doppler ultrasound machines from the U.S., and uses them to screen patients for vascular problems that could lead to stroke or coronary artery disease, the Hamilton Spectator reported.”

Boy, what a scourge on society, having that kind of service around! The last thing we need in Ontario are more Doppler ultrasound machines! I mean.. you know.. the more they are used, the more often they need to get replaced, which means production costs go down, and the machines get cheaper. Why, if that were to happen, then wow.. what a terrible thought! Maybe in ten years, they’d be cheap enough for the regular Joe to buy! And have their own Dobbler ultrasound machine in their own house!

That would just be crazy! It might put ten Doppler Machine workers out of business! And that would be just really bad, you know?

“The company’s website boasts it is “the nation’s leading provider of preventive health screenings” for stroke, abdominal aortic aneurysm, peripheral arterial disease and osteoporosis.”

Yes, we can’t have leaders of medical technology here in Ontario, can we? That would just be so, well, you know, un-Canadian or something.

“Smitherman admitted that Ontario’s medicare system has its “challenges,” but said U.S. corporations have no business trying to sell health care to Canadians because of “the extraordinary inequities that exist in the United States.” “

Oh! Challenges! That’s it! People are on waiting lists, have higher mortality rates in this country after heart attacks than those who have heart attacks in the United States, but that’s not really an inequity, is it?

And of course, Ontario is such an equitable place. We’re so equitable here, we even put up liars such as Dolton McSquinty. We’re just such a .. you know.. fair bunch of people. It’s just so much more equitable for the average family to have to fork out an extra $900.00 a year, when we were promised that would NOT happen – but we can’t spend $200.00 for medical testing, whether we want it or not. What a wonderful definition of the word “equitable”. I like it! I’m going to use that to fight my next speeding ticket.

“The health minister also said he wants the Ontario public’s help in the fight against an invasion of profit-driven medical corporations from south of the border.”

Oh dear, those nasty profit driven people. Well, I guess when you put it that way, Smitty, I guess we can expect you to forego all that nice salary while you’re a minister? I mean, obviously, you ARE NOT a greedy person. You CARE about Ontarians, right?

And this invasion! Wow.. what an invasion it is! Now.. hold on a second here… profit driven.. ummm… you think they might make a profit, coming all the way up to this Province? Ummm… and just how exactly do you think they are going to earn a “profit,” Smitty? I mean.. you said they weren’t welcome here… ummm…

OK, Ok.. this is getting confusing for me. I gotta headache now. Of course, better not buy a Bayer Aspirin or Tylenol. You know.. wouldn’t want to help out a profit driven health care corporation from south of the border. Smitty… while we continue this conversation, would you mind, being such the health caring guy you are, to go out and boil me some willow bark tea for my headache?

Now, getting back to this profit driven thing.. you don’t suppose, Smitty.. people here in Ontario would actually fork out 200 bucks to find out if they need some further treatment huh?

“”Ontarians, every single one of them – 12 million of them – can in a sense be deputized to play a role in this,” said Smitherman. “

Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me! I always wanted to be a deputy! And a Health Deputy at that. Oh, daddy, can I? Can I really??

“”If anybody finds out about this stuff, you call that in. We have a quick response capacity, and we will stamp these out. We will protect public medicare in the province of Ontario.” “

Yes, Daddy! So.. how much money are we talking here, to STAMP out these nasty people that are offering health services to us so we can keep you King?

And my headache just came back. Get me more willow bark tea, please. What are we protecting? So.. ok..I’m getting this now. We’re not REALLY trying to protect people’s lives! Gotcha. It’s the SYSTEM we need to protect.

I freaking got it now, Smitty. Daddy! We gotta protect a system!! Just like the Soviets spent so much money, and allowed so many people to die needlessly, to protect their system!! Yes! I see.

“Smitherman said the province was working with Health Canada, which licences companies that sell medical devices, to try and keep international corporations from also selling medical services covered by the Ontario Health Insurance Plan.”

I understand now!! We need to protect all ten of our doppler machine dudes!! And that’s why Ontario stopped subsidizing chiropractors! To heck with people that have lower back problems and soft tissue injuries that can be treated by a good chiropractor better than some of our M.D.s It’s all about protecting systems! And people you, good King Smitty, think should have the money!

“”There are some powers to do that at the border, (but) of course this depends on good communications out through those officials,” he said.”

I might be able to help you out here, Smitty. You should get in touch with Bob, The Canadian Civil Servant. He’ll help you!

“”That’s one avenue and we’re pursuing it, but if Ontarians see advertisements or hear about these kind of clinics being set up anywhere in the province, you phone us.” “

Oh! You mean I won’t be lost in phone system menus? I mean, I tried to call about replacing my health card a few months ago, and you know how long it took to get through to anybody? But yes of course, I can see how it’s more important to catch people selling $200.00 services, than it is to make sure I got a health card! It’s the SYSTEM we’re here to protect! Including the telephone systems! Hot lines are for nasty profit driven corporations! Manoman, King Smitty, you are so wise! And so tough. You’re a he-man, in fact!

“However, the New Democrats blame the federal and provincial Liberals for what they call the creeping privatization of health care, accusing first ministers of ducking the issue during their recent health-care talks.

“The message to the Americans is: ‘Hey, the doors are open now’,” said deputy NDP leader Marilyn Churley.”

Oh boy.. my headache just came back. But good.. now I can get two folks brewing me up some willow bark tea (you did know right, that asa, the ingredient in aspirin is naturally found in willow bark?). But this business of doors being wide open… oh boy.

“”We’ve always said when you start this privatization through the back door, it starts coming in the front door.” “

I’m sorry, but this sounds kinda like a Freudian slip to me. I’m not sure about this back door and coming in the front door stuff.

“Churley noted about 200 seniors protested on the front lawn of the legislature today against private home care corporations that are taking over from non-profit agencies that have served local communities for decades.

“Community-based home care workers are losing their jobs to big, for-profit companies,” said Churley.”

“More and more of this is happening.”

Of course, she’s right! Everyone knows big, for-profit companies would use robots! They just don’t hire people! And those big, for-profit companies are owned by robots that never need health care or home workers!! And those Unions that invest pension funds in big, for-profit companies, are just made up of robots too!

I’m starting to understand now. This is a fight for life! For the continuation of the human species against…. robots!! Robots that don’t need health care!

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